Not Partners In Crime
My husband and I will celebrate our 16-year wedding anniversary in a few weeks. We had an idyllic springtime wedding with pink tulips in a Catholic Church and a classy reception at a loft in downtown Kansas City. I still remember the way I felt that day - so hopeful and eager. I also remember how much I wanted to take all the pins out of my hair because they were stabbing my brain.
There are so many stories from those early days of our marriage (living in a sketchy apartment, the time I tried to reheat pizza in the oven while it was still in a cardboard box, getting shingles and treating it with remedies from an Amish cookbook because we didn’t have health insurance, and many MANY more. But I am saving those stories for when i get a lucrative book deal). But if I could give only one piece of advice to engaged couples or newlyweds, it would be to not make your spouse the only important relationship in your life.
Don’t read that wrong. It should be the MOST important relationship you have, just not the ONLY important relationship you have.
It’s advice that I recall hearing and dismissing because I was all loved up and thought I had it all figured out at 23 years old as a newlywed. I am now of the belief that we need a network of people at all phases in our lives, and not just a significant other who is expected to check all the boxes of our needs. It really grinds my gears when I see social media posts dedicated to “my best friend, soul mate, ride or die, and partner in crime” referring to their spouse. Let’s break down some of these cliches and I will tell you why they are wrong and I am right.
BEST FRIEND: First, in the immortal words of Mindy Kaling, “Best friend is a tier, not a person.” It’s cool if your husband/significant other is in your best friend tier. Mine is. But let us not abandon the friends who taught us how to insert tampons, held your hair while you vomited McCormick vodka, or called you on your Nokia cellular phone after spending the night at your new flame’s apartment to let you know your mom called your dorm and she told her you were at the library at 9am on a Saturday morning, etc. Don’t cash in all your chips for your dude, because at some point he will start snoring and you will want to push him over the edge of your bed and you will need your best friends to validate your decision.
SOUL MATE: This one is a little murky for me. The night I met AJ I knew I was going to meet my husband. (I’m a little psychic). When I saw him for the first time I actually felt my soul say, “Oh, there you are.” There were no intended romantic notions behind our first meeting - he was wearing a sleeveless shirt and sitting in a lawn chair with a beer on his second-floor balcony at his house on Colorado Street in Manhattan, Kan. A mutual friend, Gilbert, introduced us.
Gilbert: Danya, this is AJ.
Me: (Feeling a little tingle inside and kinda sassy from an OJ & vodka) What does AJ stand for?
AJ: Andrew Johnson.
Me: Like the president!
Then he laughed the sweetest laugh in the world.
So many adorable stories like this came before we actually started dating, but again, I have to save something for my book.
All this said, I still don’t necessarily believe in a “soul mate.” A soul mate to me means there is only one person in the world you are suited for. I give fate a tremendous amount of credit for introducing me to my husband, but let’s not over complicate who we are as people. Are we really only compatible with one person in the entire world? I’m forever grateful my husband and I attended the same college and found one another through a series of happy events, but to think neither of us could have been happy with anyone else in the world is totally naive.
For me it’s more like F. Scott Fitzgerald said, “You have a place in my heart no one else ever could have had.” I think that is even more special than being “soul mates.”
RIDE OR DIE: I had to look up the precise definition of this in Urban Dictionary. I’ve heard it tossed around but wanted to make sure I understood. Here’s what it said: “When you are willing to do anything for someone you love or someone you really appreciate in your life. The person who you stand by in any problem and vice versa.
The term "ride till the end or die trying.” This sounds kinda toxic to me. All relationships need boundaries.
PARTNER IN CRIME: Vomit. That’s what I mentally do every time I see this expression. What crimes are you committing together? And you should probably be in jail if you are making such poor life decisions all the time. AJ and I had a heart to heart one night where we admitted that we would both turn the other in if we suspected murder or high crimes. I feel no remorse for this statement. If you are just referring to the time you and your spouse/mate stayed at a Caribbean all-inclusive resort and had sex on the beach, you are far from a criminal. You probably just have a rash from the sand in your nether regions which, while uncomfortable, is not a crime.
To summarize my expertise after 16 years of marriage: Don’t expect your spouse to be all the things in your life. It isn’t fair to put those unrealistic expectations on a person and expect them to fulfill all your needs. That’s nuts. Oh, and also, if you meet a cute boy in a sleeveless shirt drinking cheap beer who laughs at your jokes, give him a chance.
