“(Insert Whatever Vibes You Want) Only!”
While the “Good Vibes Only” crowd and other toxically positive people regularly grind my gears, Thanksgiving seems to provide these people with an extra helping of broad, quaint quotes.
This year, more than any other year I can recall, I know people who are experiencing different levels of personal distress. Complicated relationships with family, serious health problems, career confusion, anxiety…. And while each of these persons have gratitude in their hearts, expressing vulnerability can present itself as “ungrateful” or “negative” if they don’t have a perpetual motto of, “I got this!”
A close friend of mine, who had a very early stage of an illness, was scared after her diagnosis. She knew that her odds of survival were strong, but that didn’t diminish her fear or the uncertainty that comes along with hearing life-altering news. Yet people seemed to want her to have this plucky, can-do attitude because she most likely would not die from this diagnosis. The reality is that she had to experience painful procedures and make tough choices about her body that, while she probably wouldn’t die, were difficult and weighed on her. She was allowed to feel any emotion she needed, and probably more than one emotion at a time. She shouldn’t have to live a “Good Vibes Only” life to make those around her feel more comfortable.
Below is a smattering of quotes that have resonated with me recently and I wanted to pass on for your reference. Dig these up if you are sitting on a folding chair in a family member’s den eating dry turkey and not feeling all, “Live, Laugh, Love” like the sign on the wall is screaming at you.
“Listen, not everyone’s trauma gives them thick skin. Some people’s trauma made them more sensitive and insecure, they cry more easily, get overwhelmed at small things. The narrative that trauma makes you stronger is a lie. There is, power in acknowledging it and growing from it.” Credit: @sonkile.
One of my favorite episodes of the sitcom “Modern Family” is when Jay tried to comfort Manny after a disappointment with, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” And Manny replies with, “Lots of stuff that doesn’t kill you makes you weaker. One of my friend’s grandfathers had a heart attack and now he needs a machine to breathe.” Sure, Kelly Clarkson has that break up anthem where she emphatically yells this phrase throughout the song. And maybe that gets you out of a funk when you are driving in your car on your way to work, but let’s not over simplify complex emotional issues by creating pop songs about it.
“Someone who drowns in 7 feet of water is just as dead as someone who drowns in 20 feet of water. Stop comparing traumas. Stop belittling you or anyone else’s trauma because ‘it wasn’t as bad’ as someone else’s. This isn’t a competition. We all deserve support and recovery.” Credit: @caseyyrose.
I’ve shared this story before, but once when I was experiencing a dark time, I was visiting with a friend (who was going through something MUCH more difficult) and I told her I felt silly for even sharing my issues with her because she was going through something so much more serious. She said to me, “Just because someone else has it worse doesn’t mean you can’t be hurting, too. It’s like telling someone they can’t be happy because someone has it better.”
“I don’t think our generation is sensitive at all. I think we understand that a lot of what has been normalized while growing up is toxic, humiliating, and traumatizing and we are choosing not to repeat it.” Credit: @brokeblackgirl
Cue “We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Quiet Riot. Stop normalizing bad behavior under the guise of “Blood is thicker than water.” A bully does not become less of a bully simply because you share DNA.
“What we are told: ‘Time heals all wounds.’ The uncomfortable reality: ‘Doing the inner work is what actually facilitates healing.’” Credit: Dr. Christina Iglesia.
I’m silently waiting for someone to say this to me so I can give this dope response. Waiting out the clock and expecting life to just get better doesn’t work. But processing your emotions and seeking professional help does.
I know this wasn’t one of my funnier diatribes, and I am not a licensed therapist. So if you are struggling, do right by yourself and get help from a professional. But I care about people and want everyone to feel comfortable where they are. I am grateful to celebrate Thanksgiving today where I feel comfortable and with people who I love. And I wish the same for you.
