A Hunting I Will (Not) Go

I am my own favorite company on a Friday night. I love my husband and I love my son, but do you know what I love even more? Take out, cheap wine and trashy TV. 

Back in the day you would never find me home on a weekend. It was date night, or girls night or party night. The day was for sleeping off the previous night. Or eating from the Wendy’s dollar menu to soak up enough alcohol to rally for Saturday night. I was outstanding at wearing a halter top and platforms and putting my boobs on a bar for drinks. 

Twenty years on, the only thing I put my boobs on when Friday night hits is a ratty t-shirt and Barefoot Dreams cardigan. And it is bliss. Mostly because my boobs already landed me a cute boy who understands that I need plenty of alone time to watch murder shows and listen to hardcore rap.

But more than that, he understands that he needs to leave the state for days at a time so I can return to my most authentic self. Enter the second weekend of November. When AJ and I first started dating, he reluctantly told me he enjoyed hunting. And (as a liberal-leaning person) I reluctantly told him I preferred that deer be killed with a bow or gun rather than my car. Windshields aren’t cheap! He was relieved. So was I. In fact, the first time AJ met my parents, my dad took him in the backyard to shoot his bow. When my dad didn’t try to kill him I knew this love would last forever. 

So early November equates to a Thursday evening of me yelling at the boys about packing warm enough clothes to not catch pneumonia, followed by me having a “pants optional” Friday night. 

Friday, November 11:

4:50 pm: Arrive home from work. Immediately let my lady bits swing into freedom. Contemplate not wearing underwear. Err towards wearing because of the chill in the air.

4:55 pm: Pour a glass of wine from a bottle recently purchased on a trip to Aldi in Missouri. Deem it, “alright.” 

5:00 pm: Close the curtains so my neighbors can’t judge the amount of television I am going to consume this weekend. Begin with “Reboot” on Hulu. Solid show! 

6:15 pm: Get a little hungry. Regret my decision to not get takeout on my way home from work or have a perfunctory Totinos pizza in the freezer for emergencies. 

6:17 pm: Make dinner based on ingredients in my pantry: Spaghetti squash with an anchovy and artichoke topping. Pat myself on the back for being thrifty and eating at home.

6:30 pm: Pour second glass of Aldi wine. Deem it “pretty good.” Begin season three of “Bosch.” Subsequently wonder if I have so many nightmares because of the amount of murder shows I view. Refuse to connect the dots for preservation of routine. 

7:18 pm: Curse my dinner resourcefulness for giving me grotesque acid reflux. Totinos never did me dirty like this.

7:26 pm: Take antacid. Wish I was in LA like the setting of “Bosch.” Write down a statement in my notebook that seemed very enigmatic at the time. “Everything in LA is so real and also so fake.” WTF, Danya?! Contemplate sobering up and going to bed. Watch another episode of Bosch instead.

8:30 pm: Send a few text messages because buzzed texting is my love language. Turn on music. Decide that I am too tired to dance or rap hard in the mirror, and make a Spotify station based on “Cowboy Junkies.” 

8:48 pm: Hear the song “Clay Pigeons” by John Prine and text AJ that I miss him. He is so cute and patient. I hope we are married forever. We probably will be. He doesn’t like paperwork or meetings so our union feels solid.

9:11 pm: Why hasn’t he texted me back? What a dick. I gave him my body’s best years. And bore him an 8 pound child! (Via C-section)

9:18 pm: Text back from AJ. Oh, he misses me, too. Swoon! Pour a third glass of Aldi wine. “Hey, this is pretty good!”

9:46 pm: Get balls deep in a really good Spotify playlist. It’s “Richard & Linda Thompson Radio.” Not the Linda Thompson who dated Elvis and married Caitlyn Jenner. This duo is from the UK. 

9:59 pm: Hear a cover of “Poncho and Lefty” and start to cry. Think about how AJ and I want to eventually adopt 2 pets and name them after this song. Weep softly. Decide to put the cork back in the wine and go to bed. But watch “Friends” on my ipad to see if I can figure out what substances Matthew Perry was abusing during each season based on an article I read in Page Six.

Saturday, November 12:

8:15 am: Kinda wake up. Look at my phone. See I have a missed call from the boys. Panic. Call them back. No answer. More panic.

8:18 am: SJ calls again. They got a deer already! I can tell he is beaming. 

8:45 am: To prove their kill I am sent multiple pictures of the carcass. I remind them that I believe them without the photographic evidence and further documentation is not necessary. 

9:00 am(ish):. Doom scroll for a bit on my phone. Turn on Gilmore Girls on my ipad whilst lying in bed.

12:30 pm: Apparently I dozed off because the morning is over and I am still in bed. 

1:17 pm: Treat myself to a spicy chicken sandwich to make up for the poor dinner decision of the night before. Begin new season of “The Crown.” 

3:00 pm: Turn off the tv and get in the shower. 

4:05 pm: Arrive at a wine tasting hosted by my friend, Abby, who purchased the experience at an auction. Glow when they all ooh and ahh over the leopard print coat I selected. Because why would you wear a regular coat when there is a leopard print one next to it? 

4:45 pm: Realize I am the only person at the wine tasting who has enjoyed all 8 wines offered. 

4:55 pm: Wine tasting instructor seems annoyed that we all keep getting distracted by gossip and bad dating stories.

5:10 pm: Get reigned in by the wine tasting instructor long enough to be told that it’s time to make purchases. There’s some talk about ordering by the case. In an effort to be helpful, I volunteer to round out some of the cases and inadvertently purchase $200 worth of wine. 

5:35 pm: The wine tasting instructor has slinked off with our credit card numbers. We are all marveling at the miniature Nutella jars Abby brought for snacks and initially don’t notice she’s gone. But she left all the open bottles for us. We continue our “tasting” without supervision.

6:30 pm: Miniature Nutella jars alone cannot sustain us. So we load up in Nicole’s car (because she is a beer drinker and didn’t sample) and drive to Tanner’s Bar and Grill. 

6:45 pm: Arrive at Tanner’s. Order another round. 

7:15 pm(ish) I think….: Have my second spicy chicken sandwich of the day. But add on some fries. Eat all of it. Sneak some fries off Nicole’s plate because she is classy and didn’t eat all her food. She noticed but didn’t say anything. Classy move! 

7:45 pm: Go to the bathroom. Think all the stalls are occupied because the doors are closed. Stand and wait. Applaud my patience because I hate bathroom lines. 

7:48 pm: Abby enters the bathroom and we start talking. 

7:50 pm: Abby mentions that she doesn’t think anyone is in the stalls. We look for feet under the door. None. Laugh for about 30 seconds.

8:30 pm: Nicole drops me off at my house because drinking too much and driving is never okay. 

8:42 pm: Back in my Troop Beverly Hills t-shirt and hitting the water hard. 

9:30 pm: Send AJ a text that equates to “you up?” He’s not. Hunting requires early rising. 

10:00 pm: Take some preventative Advil and go to bed. 

Sunday, November 13

9:45 am: Text Nicole to pick me up and take me back to my car. 

10:15 am: Nicole takes me to my car.

10:20 am: Go to Lamar’s to get donuts for my sister in law and her family because they have been hit with all the gross illness going around. 

11:00 am: I squirreled away a maple long john for myself from the dozen donuts. I carefully wrapped it in napkins and placed it in the passenger seat with the heater on because Danya takes donuts seriously. Take a turn too fast. 

11:00 am + 30 seconds: Realize the donut has fallen on the floor mat. Say the mother of all swear words. 

11:05 am: Pull in my garage. Stare at the donut on the floor mat. Realize it is still wrapped in the napkin. Have an internal debate about whether or not to eat it. Decide to examine the long john in the sunshine for debris. None. Victory! Eat floor mat donut. 

11:30 am: Continue watching “The Crown.” 

1:00 pm: Blood sugar crash. Put “Gilmore Girls” back on for comfort and take a nap. 

3:00 pm: Awake after a fitful nap. Start laundry to make it look like I was productive before the boys get home. Continue watching television. 

5:00(ish) pm: The hunters have returned! They smell like a campfire but I hug them anyway because (despite my love of solitude) they are the best part of my life.

5:56 pm: Start to miss my alone time when they go into too much detail about the skinning of the deer. Feel less bad about the money I spent on wine when I realize what they spent on a deer tag and processing.