A Very 2020 Johnson Christmas Letter/Prayer
Before social media allowed us to instantly announce whenever our children did something worthy of praise, or we could geo-tag ourselves on a luxury vacation, there was something called The Christmas Letter that arrived once a year that let your friends and family display all their achievements on paper adorned with snowflakes. I always enjoyed reading (and occasionally mocking) these parcels, but one stood out far, FAR beyond the rest.
It was not sent to me, but acquired by someone I know (because I would never be friends with these lame turds). It was written in the form of a prayer, so that it seemed less like “bragging,” and more like “Thanking God.” There was an entire paragraph that praised the Lord for their son, who had recently become a brain surgeon, and had an extravagant, over-priced wedding. And another paragraph that exalted God for their daughter, who was President of her skanky sorority, and traveled throughout Europe during her coveted internship. And lastly, lifting up the name of the Lord, for the milestone anniversary the card-senders had celebrated, and how their marriage is happier and more solid than any other marriage in the history of the world.
As a gag to some of my friends and family in past years, I like to email out a “Johnson Family Christmas Letter” in response to this, detailing all of our failings from the year. Because I have an internet domain now (bless up!) I can share it with a larger audience, I give you “A Very Johnson 2020 Christmas Prayer/Letter.”
Dear Baby Jesus In A Manger,
Have mercy on us for the Happy Hours that frequently began at 3:35 pm on a Tuesday. And then at the same time on Wednesday. Followed by Thursday. And then day drinking on a Friday because it was “basically the weekend.” Bless the liquor store employees who dutifully loaded my trunk with the newly implemented “Curbside Service,” and allowed me to call from the parking lot and just say “I need a case of wine and I don’t care what it is.” Also, we are grateful they didn’t steal my credit card info when I paid over the phone.
We praise you for internet search engines, who didn’t judge me when I would type in things like “how to add fractions” and “what is ‘latitude’” while trying to homeschool my child. Lord, help the children of today who were forced to be educated by parents who spent their own middle school years writing down all the lyrics to Ace of Bass songs in their notebooks instead of paying attention in math class. Please guide them in a direction of time better spent after school than watching Rikki Lake and choreographing dance routines on a trampoline to the song, “Things That Make You Go Hmmm” by C+C Music Factory.
Thank you for blessing us with the addition of AJ’s “home office” in our kitchen. We appreciate your protective hand on AJ when he turned off the microwave midway through my use because it was making too much noise while he was on a call. Because I wanted to smack him in the face with the Dutch oven that was out to bake more bread. He narrowly avoided many of these “accidents” only by your grace.
We praise you for the foresight I had to make a trip to Costco on March 15, the eve of when things officially went bananas. I was able to live out my dream of being a contestant on “Supermarket Sweep” by sprinting through aisles trying to shove as many frozen chicken breasts in my cart as my arms could push. There was a decidedly more apocalyptic vibe to this episode, though, as entire families ripped open pallets of rice and Gatorade and shouted to each other in languages I didn’t recognize. (Klingon maybe?) I purchased a new water filtration system, vitamins, and multiple jars of peaches in heavy syrup. I didn’t know what I would need any of these for, but if they became currency in the new scary world unfolding before us, we were in a solid position.
Blessings to the pharmaceutical company, Pfizer, for manufacturing enough Zoloft to help me endure the months-long wait of inevitably being laid off from a job I loved. I mean, you can bless them for their role in producing a vaccine to end this black hole of a pandemic, but from where I stand, the world is mostly blessed that I have a mood stabilizer.
We ask your blessing on this “unprecedented” year, but we humbly ask for more “precedents” next year, preferably the ones that pre-date 2019.
Love,
Danya and Her Family (who Danya loves, but hopes will leave her alone more in 2021)
