Danya’s Favorite (Middle-Class) Things
My life has been empty since The Oprah Show ended in 2011. A disproportionate number of my stories start with, “Oprah had this guest on once….” But the ultimate in Oprah fandom is her Favorite Things. Full disclosure: one of the reasons I wanted to start my own website was so I could do a “Danya’s Favorite Things” post. Because Oprah’s net worth is a bit more than mine, this is a middle-class, cul-de-sac dwelling version of her list. (Fuller Disclosure: I receive no financial gain or any attention whatsoever for pimping out these products. I make zero dollars from this website.) I give you Danya’s First Annual Favorite Things!
Body Glide, $4.99. https://www.bodyglide.com/product/body/
Also keeps you from having “swamp crotch” at Disney World.
My first experience with this wonder stick was during an ill-fated week as a Pack Leader for Cub Scout Day Camp. I was very thin for most of my life, so when I gained a substantial amount of weight after I turned 30, I was flummoxed by the challenges of having so much extra Danya on my bones. I had never experienced chafing, and let me tell you, the last place you want to start having a rash around your lady land is while you are surrounded by hundreds of 9 year-old boys in an open field with no shade. On Day 2 of camp, I found this miracle at Target and my life has been immeasurably better since. It’s kind of a cross between deodorant and Vaseline, but keeps your thighs from acting like two twigs trying to start a forest fire.
2. Tomato Ladders, $49.95 for six. https://www.gardeners.com/buy/stacking-tomato-trellis-ladder/40-309.html#q=tomato%2Bladder&simplesearch=submit&start=4
And they stack! Truly a gardening miracle.
Pandemic gardening was real for me. I was overly committed to all of my plants as a psychological reaction to being laid off from my job. I channeled all my stress and anxiety into creating concoctions to aid in the growth of my plants. I saved all the carcasses from a shrimp boil in a plastic bag, added coffee grounds and eggshells, then ground it up in the soil before I planted my “Emotional Support Tomatoes.” A key to optimal tomato growth is having your tomato ladder in place when you plant so you don’t disturb the root structure when it’s developing. Like I said, I had an unhealthy attachment to my garden all summer and these dope-ass tomato ladders were the cure.
3. Utz Spicy Pickle Potato Chips, $4.29. https://www.utzsnacks.com
Family Size = Danya Size
Pair these with a tuna sandwich and your life is ok again. Plus side of wearing a mask in public? No one can smell your breath after eating this because the stank from the combo lingers for days.
4. Night Pillow, $150. https://discovernight.com/collections/pillows/products/night-pillow
The worst thing that ever happened to me was when I found my son using this pillow as a makeshift “squatty potty” while he was pooping.
I lay around. A lot. This black satin pillowcase keeps my hair and skin from losing moisture while laying around versus a traditional cotton pillowcase. At least, that’s what the description says. But the real allure for me is that it stays nice and cool all night. I’m a finicky sleeper (shocking, right?) so I struggle to sleep when I don’t have it with me. They also have a top-tier marketing department who have really slayed the game of sexual innuendo in their ads.
5. BP Sunnies, $15. https://www.nordstrom.com/browse/women/accessories/sunglasses/filter/bp~brand_814?breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FAccessories%2FSunglasses%20%26%20Eyewear&origin=topnav&brand=814
I’m wearing this exact pair in my “About Me” picture on the website. And I look fly as hell!
I am almost always in sunglasses. When I am not wearing them, though, I am sitting on them. So I can’t invest in any sunglasses that cost more than $15. Sure, I have been salivating over a pair of Prada ones for months, but the trauma of causing harm to such a beautiful piece of designer work is too risky for me. For about 95% less than the Prada pair, you can get these that are good quality and won’t make you cry when you leave them behind at a restaurant. Because sometimes I do that, too.
6. Aquis Hair Towel, $30. https://aquis.com/products/rapid-dry-hair-towel
I learned about this towel at my hair salon, The Hair Parlor KC. Love this small biz!
My hair runs oily. I do my best to go as long between shampoos as possible, but my super-fine hair loves a good scrub. To cut down on heat styling time I LOVE this towel that leaves my hair practically dry by the time I get to the blow dryer. That’s it. No jokes. I just really like it.
7. Crosley Turntable, $79.95. http://www.crosleyradio.com/turntables/product-details?productkey=CR8017A&model=CR8017A-AM
I grew up with an old record player in my childhood bedroom. I would play my dad’s vinyl, with a favorite being a compilation album with the song “Leader of the Pack” by The Shangri-Las. I would dance in front of my mirror as the lead singer of my pretend girl group.
Mine is pink! I’m working on a vinyl collection to increase my street cred as a music snob, so this is a must for me to act like I’m better than everyone else. There is something about listening to R.E.M.’s “Automatic For the People” on a record player that gets me in more of a melancholy mood than my iPhone.
8. Trader Joe’s Diner-Style Mac N Cheese, $4. https://www.traderjoes.com
If I’m feeling fancy I add a little panko or red pepper flakes on top. If I’m feeling fatty boombalatty, I just go for it.
I grew up thinking I didn’t like mac n cheese because I have a distrust of Velveeta and powdered cheese. Who’s with me here?! Cheese that doesn’t need refrigeration? WTF? I actually used Velveeta to win an argument with someone who was reluctant to get a flu shot because he didn’t know what was in it. I said, “You don’t know what’s in Velveeta but you still put that in your body!” I like to have this when no one else is home so I can eat it at a rate that is not attractive.
9. Wildfox Sweatshirts, $88 (but I get mine when they are on sale for less). https://www.wildfox.com/products/baggy-beach-jumper-dusk
I don’t think I have ever looked this attractive in a sweatshirt. Hell, I don’t know if I was this attractive on my wedding day!
I have the same Wildfox sweatshirt in multiple colors and rotated them during early pandemic lockdown until I spilled something down the front and was forced to wash them. (Ok, truth, I would usually wear them a few more times even after spillage.) The sleeves are designed to be long, plus I have T-Rex arms, so there’s considerable bunching at the wrist. But I like that! I can nervously play with the cuffs and stretch everything out a little extra. They are cozy but not heavy. But they are kinda see through, so you need to wear a bra underneath if you leave the house. Unless you are comfortable with nip slips.
10. Excedrin Extra Strength, $4.39 for 24 tablets. https://www.excedrin.com
This was AJ’s answer when I asked him what he thought some of my favorite things were. He knows most of my personality is compliments of mucho medication.
The only thing standing between me and certain death multiple times is Excedrin Extra Strength. Period headaches, hangover-related pain, homeschooling tension… without this special pill I would just lay down and wait to die. If I could only stockpile one item, it would probably be this.
Tell me what some of your favorite things are!
