Hogs Gone Wild
When my son was about 5 years old, he watched this show called “Hogs Gone Wild” on Netflix that was about the destructive wild boar population in Texas, Florida and Hawaii. It followed hunters and trappers who were attempting to control this ever-growing population because of the havoc they wreak on needed vegetation and the danger they pose to humans.
These aren't your Porky Pig or Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web style pigs. These are more like a cross between a pig, a rhinoceros and a Hell Hound. While SJ was obsessed with this show and wanted to watch it every day, he was also terrified that the wild boars were going to get into our house at night and kill us in our sleep. If I’m being totally honest, I was probably a little worried about this, too. But I assured him the pigs were unable to open the front door. We both slept better with this knowledge. Then an episode aired where a man in Florida said a boar charged through his LOCKED DOOR while he was watching television and destroyed his home. What. The. Fudge. Neither of us slept that night.
SJ eventually turned his focus to other animal-based shows that stoked new fears for me - giant catfish, black mamba snakes, and basically anything that lives in Australia. Over time I let my guard down with the super pigs. But that’s what they wanted me to do….
Recently I saw a headline in The Atlantic that said “The Clock is Ticking on America’s ‘Feral Swine Bomb.’” Terrific! I had been looking to resurrect one of my irrational fears, but this time give it the validation of a reputable news organization with research to back it up. What luck!
The article stated that there are almost 9 million feral pigs in the US and they are rapidly spreading...to my house. I mean, they didn’t say “Danya’s House,” but that’s where they are headed. And that isn’t even the most alarming part. Get this - the pigs can reproduce when they are as young as three-months old, have a litter of 10 piglets, then do it all over again a few months later. That’s exponential growth and I am not smart enough to calculate those numbers. Let’s just settle on 10 bajillion pigs. Simply put, they don’t belong here and are responsible for an estimated $2.5 billion in damages to crops, property, natural habitats and livestock each year.
Even escaped farm pigs pose a threat! Once a farm pig reproduces in the wild, its young is officially feral and grows tusks that would otherwise be removed when they are babies. They grow thicker fur and become much larger than they would in captivity since their diets are not managed by farmers. These buggers are smart, too. Some have wised up to hunting efforts and have become nocturnal, thus making them harder to hunt. Plus they want to break into my house. At night. While I sleep. And eat me. And probably knock over my bar cart.
The solutions to this problem are not great, either. Some states have adopted a “Squeal On Pigs” slogan for landowners to contact the appropriate authorities when they spot these beasts rather than taking matters into their own hands. This allows for a more coordinated effort to round up the population, but is also very expensive. So let’s explore a Plan B.
According to The Atlantic article, “...a feral pig can host at least 30 viral and bacterial diseases, along with nearly 40 parasites.” So maybe they will spread a virus to each other and just kill themselves off? Or...maybe they will pass these parasites on to me while they eat me in my sleep and I come back as a part human/part pig zombie. I would roam to the grocery store and drink all the truffle oil, then destroy the butcher counter in an act of vengeance for my departed pig homies. I suppose Plan B is basically just a “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” strategy. And because I have zero survival instincts, if the pigs ever do reach my house, I will probably just let them eat/zombify me without much fight.
I strongly suggest you channel some of your energy and resources for 2021 to waging a war against the looming “Feral Swine Bomb.” I’d say if we don’t, we need to come up with a name for our inevitable zombie pig gang (Slop Happy? Porky’s Revenge?) As we have seen during 2020, literally anything is possible.
If you would also like to not sleep tonight, read the article that reignited my fear.
https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2020/09/wild-pigs-are-everywhere/616389/
