Are you an Asshole? Take this 10-Question quiz to find out!
Do you ever lay awake at night and wonder if you are an asshole? Fret not. Take this simple quiz to find out if your are the worst person in the universe.
When you visit a retail store do you
A.) Find an item in the “clearance” section that is not marked as “clearance” (and clearly placed there by mistake) and try to haggle with the minimum-wage earning employee who is just trying to make rent.
B.) Become belligerent and claim you are being harassed when the cashier doesn’t accept your return of a stretched-out headband that you purchased two years ago with your hair still in it and no tags.
C.) Treat those in your vicinity with respect and act like a reasonable human being at all times.
While dining at a restaurant you
A.) Order something with wildly specific instructions for preparation (steak with three grill marks, a baked potato only cooked halfway through, etc.) thus making it impossible for a chef to meet your standards. Then pout during the remainder of the meal, making everyone else uncomfortable.
B.) Be a colossal pain in the ass to your server and never say thank you. Order a bunch of food, eat most of it, then complain to the manager that there was something wrong with everything you ordered and refuse to pay full price.
C.) Treat those in your vicinity with respect and act like a reasonable human being at all times
You are in an airplane. What do you do?
A.) Ask people to move over so you can have a window. Then go to the bathroom multiple times during the flight.
B.) Freeze in the aisle during boarding to find a seat closest to the front because you believe the extra 2 minutes you gain during de-boarding is worth making all other passengers wait 10 minutes while you sort out the best seat for yourself. In the overhead compartment store your puffy coat, laptop, carry-on luggage and guitar. Take the window seat. Then feel the need to get each item out individually during the flight. Forget your headphones and listen to your phone at an unacceptable volume level. Fart.
C.) Treat those in your vicinity with respect and act like a reasonable human being at all times.
You are meeting a new person. Do you...
A.) Talk mostly about yourself. Walk away when you are done talking about yourself.
B.) Brag about your children’s athletic ability and academic prowess, use inflated adjectives to describe your job title, say something racist then act like you were just kidding, hit on other women in front of your wife. Drink too much. Insist on topping any story or event that someone else shares.
C.) Treat those in your vicinity with respect and act like a reasonable human being at all times.
It’s Thanksgiving dinner with your extended family. You kick things off by
A.) Making sure whomever you have a grudge with understands you are not speaking to them, thus making others uncomfortable.
B.) Loudly announce all of your political views despite no one asking. Make polarizing comments and then get your feelings hurt when someone challenges or disagrees with you. Eat the last roll.
C.) Treat those in your vicinity with respect and act like a reasonable human being at all times.
It’s Back to School night at your kid’s school. You
A.) Ask completely inane questions of the teachers and make everyone stay longer than they wanted, thus impeding your time to gossip with the other moms after.
B.) Make multiple remarks to let the other parents know your child is academically superior and deigning to attend school with your mostly average child. Sign up for “Room Parent” and then send a scathing email to all the other parents who refuse to contribute $50 each to the class Christmas party activities.
C.) Treat those in your vicinity with respect and act like a reasonable human being at all times.
You have paid major money for tickets to a traveling Broadway production of “Book of Mormon.” You
A.) Arrive late and sit in someone else’s seats because you believe they are a no show. Then they show. And you have to do the Walk of Shame.
B.) BRING YOUR BABY! And when the baby cries midway through, try to COVER THE BABY’S MOUTH TO STIFLE THE SCREAMS.
C.) Treat those in your vicinity with respect and act like a reasonable human being at all times.
You are a massage therapist. During the session you…
A.) Tell stories about your last job as a truck driver while your client is trying to relax.
B.) Ask your client if they like music. If they say “yes” sing soft rock songs from the 70s to them rather than play a CD. Insist on booking the next appointment at check out despite their request/plea not to.
C.) Treat those in your vicinity with respect and act like a reasonable human being at all times.
It’s Labor Day weekend at a busy National Park. This makes you want to…
A.) Take selfies and videos of yourself standing in front of every waterfall, cave, blade of grass, etc. Never look at the pictures again.
B.) Get too close to the wildlife or super dangerous natural phenomena and injure yourself. Act like a victim.
C.) Treat those in your vicinity with respect and act like a reasonable human being at all times.
A friend tells you she is pregnant. You…
A.) Tell your very graphic delivery story about your baby getting stuck in your birth canal and how much pain she is going to be in.
B.) Tell her it’s a myth that a woman needs to gain more than seven pounds when she is pregnant. Or how your daughter looked much slimmer when she was pregnant. Make a joke about it looking like she is having twins. Refuse to get in an elevator with her.
C.) Treat those in your vicinity with respect and act like a reasonable human being at all times.
Mostly A’s: Blossoming Asshole
You are spending too much time behaving like an asshole. Reverse course! Stop making yourself out to be the most interesting/important/attractive person in any room. No one cares. Focus on listening better or at least get better stories if you insist on talking so much.
Mostly B’s: Full-Blown, Enflamed, Weeping Asshole
Just shut up. And if you can’t shut up then just stay home. You are the worst and make people have a bad day. Find a therapist because you suck.
Mostly C’s: Not An Asshole
Congratulations! You are part of the solution and not the problem! You easily recognize that not everyone wants to hear your opinion. Keep being a decent human because there are too many Blossoming Assholes and Full-Blown, Enflamed, Weeping Assholes in the world.
